This was a post I wrote on my way to Brisbane last month. Obviously I'm a lazy bastard and never put it up till now:|
Date 18th of June 2015
Time 8:24 pm
Location: On an aeroplane flying from Hobart to Brisbane
It seems that I spend so much of my time trying to distract myself from the reality I live in. I bury myself in reading articles on the Internet, watching Youtube videos, playing my games, listening to music. Now that I find myself without those avenues I am bereft of distraction. Even then, there has been stealing over my heart the sense that even those were no longer distraction enough: the videos not as entertaining as they used to be, the music not as calming or compelling.
What has wrought these changes I do not know, but that there is a deep-seated dissatisfaction lingering within my soul that I know not how to exorcise. I feel distant, an alien among friends. Relating is difficult, talking hard.
I can’t quite remember where the last post left off in the story of my life. Being on a plane makes it difficult to check these things y’know. Going with the usual time-estimates, it must be at least two weeks since my last post. Certainly it feels longer than that. Also, as if I’ve done so much less.
Job applications were in and done; I managed to squeeze out my Western Australia selection criteria along with two cover letters for Bendigo and Ballarat. I quite honestly am not sure what my chances of getting an internship position at either of these places are, or of in Perth, or even of in Queensland. Doubtless, it would be amazing, a miracle, if I were offered something in any of those.
I haven’t applied for Singapore though, though my soul yearns to go back home. It should be a clamour, but instead it yawns like the abyss beneath my feet. It would be foolishness to not heed the wisdom of my elders, as so many of them, almost all of them have warned me not to, at least not so soon. So I try my best to make my way outside, for a little while more.
Teaching block was the week after, the monday a public holiday. I missed a few days after that as well, attempting to finish my reflective essay. As always it was late, as always a struggle. In the end, I sent in a scanned copy of my written piece. I only really got around to typing it up last night. And this worries me and I wonder: Surely assignments and work had not been this difficult when I was in high school. But always it has been a struggle here in Tasmania.
It was a good week though, and I took much rest. And then another week, and this week. Winter break. Likely my last. It is strange I think, how quickly it has gone past. Normally I’d be halfway to somewhere else; I’d only dicided to travel to Brisbane a month ago and booked my tickets then. For half a week, leaving Wednesday night and back Sunday afternoon, so really, not very long at all. So most of the start of this week was spent thinking about typing out my reflective essay, and not really doing it. I’ve started again on Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, and it is still an amazing piece of fiction.
And of course, I missed my flight yesterday. The traffic too snarled, unexpectedly. The rain and dark mofo and the fates conspiring to present me a flight that left too early! Who’d ever heard of such a thing.
But it was a blessing in disguise, as these things inevitably are. More so this time. I finished my essay (finally), and got a little something else besides. But let us leave it at that.
There is a certain amount of catharsis in imprinting my thoughts upon a page. With the essay I had attempted to reflect on five years of medical school. Doubtless the negative elements stood out like sore thumbs, the positives more difficult to discern. It was a short piece and definitely incomplete, and I will have to try my best to give them something they can work with.